I don’t know where to begin, how to start or where this will lead so forgive me if this gets a little off track or seems out of control. It’s been awhile since I have written a proper post about what has been going on, so after talking to a friend I figured it is long overdue.
So many emotions are constantly running around in my mind, and it’s hard to focus clearly on what the future is about for me at this very moment. What does one do when your life is turned up side down and you don’t know which way to go, where to go or how to go about it?
Smiling and pretending is something that I’ve become accustomed to. It makes things simple. People don’t ask questions, and I don’t have to answer them. It’s been quite a transition to where I am now, and I have mixed feelings about everything and everyone.I’ve not been one to really talk about anything real personal to anyone yet some how, some one has managed to allow that to happen, it’s strange and uncomfortable to me to talk about things, but at the same time it’s sort of a relief. I’m grateful to be able to call them a friend, and I am happy that they’ve worked their way into my life.
So many things have changed and I’m beggining to look at everything in a different light. Some people I thought were friends aren’t as much as what I believed them to be. It’s almost like they’ve faded away slightly. They are still there but it’s not them who I am seeing or talking to.
Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and I would see that the situation I am in was just a dream, but day after day, it is reality. I have to deal with these cards that I was dealt, no matter how much bull shit there is. I have to keep progressing, pushing myself to be able to focus on the situation at hand… Not the past, nor future, but the now.
There are times I still think about the people that were in my life. The ones that I now realise that were just around by association, these are the fake ones. The ones that you drink with, the ones that you have BBQ’s with. The ones that are nice to your face and turn around and stab you in the back. Fuck them. Fuck them all.
I have become very self conscious with who I speak to now, what I say and the choice of words. You learn to trust no one, because no matter how well you think you know someone, there is always a snake behind them waiting to take over.
Thankfully there is also those that you can talk to, the ones that can understand you for who you are. The ones that actually stick around because of “you”, not what has happened in the past. These are the people you need to hang on to. These are the people you have to cherish, because they’re the ones that want to be a part of your life, and there a far and few between.